The difference between a wife and a prostitute??? One is on contract – the other is pay-as-you-go!!!

Dang – it has been a long time since I have been here….. I hope everyone is well and looking forward to Christmas…..heheheh!

I have been massively busy as always working my ass off and spending way too much time on Facebook after having so much trouble getting on here a while ago. My I.D. there is Kymm St.

Oh and before anyone asks about me in relation to the above joke…….. I’m sim free!!

Love and huggles to all – and be good – if you can’t be good be careful – if you can’t be careful ……name it after me!!!

Kymm………………<3 <3

....I added my facebook page to 'WebActivities' here if you want to have a peak - on my profile page.... left side underneath the 'about me'waffle! ;0)

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can
be dangerous. Yes, garter snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why..

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent
cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garter snake was hidden in one of
the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go
under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked
to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that
time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the
snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told
him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on
the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the
hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on
a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it
was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around.

She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him
out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the
snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of
whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived. Breath here......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the
leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and,
as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were
halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires,
put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a
ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

yup…..

a good place for cannibals??

Switzerland I believe or someone really needs haemmor.. haemmorho…. hamaro… of f**k it – pile cream ;)

A name like that AND a plastic surgeon!!

would love to pass this ….. just to say I can TOUCH Hammer………

I wonder if he needs the chicken back to define the difference between kinky and perverted…….

Hard ass moosey-bull type things……

Heheheh – busted!

ermmmmm ……

hehehe taking the game to a whole new level …………..

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially'
and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered,
'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother
if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the house and send
you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a
million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and
then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied,
'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'

Racing Car Driver….

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed.

He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, What perfect headlights. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, what a smooth finish."

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my p**sy and yelled, who the hell left the garage door open?"

Bait……

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.

It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean in a crab trap. We hauled her up to the deck, and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap."

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.Locking his steely blue eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.

He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam.

She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! It will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she would want more.

Oh, yes, she would want more.

She would want to do it again and again and again. Indeed, they did it again and again and again.

Eventually, they were both finished.

A few minutes later, she was once again fully attired.As she was walking out, she was thinking she would come back.

Yes, she thought to herself, she would definitely come back....

to this store and buy more shoes.

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Store: "Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire & take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Vets waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in & get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak."

The MPs expenses scandal has erupted again after it was revealed that David Blunkett has claimed for a motorcycle, a hang glider, and a pair of binoculars.

toast!!! But only on Sats & Sundays - and please note - reservations ARE required for these days. Special offers on TOAST on other days too!!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

A man (in Taiwan) had his penis bit after sitting on the toilet in his home .......

http://blogs.app.com/saywhat/2009/05/12/snake-in-toilet-bowl-bites-mans-sex-organ/

Yep - I agree with the last sentence on this link - time to move!!

Have to admit though - it is rather good to look at! Just wouldn't want one in the toilet bowl!

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

(Thank you Mike x)

How to reply to Nigerian scammers......

Well....... really..... how naive can ya be?!?!?!

Their team are what?!"?!

Oh my - this could apply to so many places....

This is a witnessed reason for exclusion from jury duty - including that he would rather count the wrinkles on his dogs balls!

Yep - just follow the sign to the SECRET nuclear bunker......

That's some protection.......

Great for watching horror movies........

ermmmmm .... how exactly???

a man's dream road??

poor Elmo........

Heheheh!!!

Well.........

Ready for a what?????

Pounding on what???

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has ever gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

Okay - so it is childish - but still funny...............